Family Tree

Shulin and I had a competition to draw the most depraved family tree. Here’s the tree I drew.

Okay, I’ll admit: hers was more realistic.

How the World was Created…

Out of chaos (confusion), emerged two beings: Plankos (matter) and Bangos (energy), whose children were five bosons (Photos, Gluos, Wees, Zees, and Higgia) and many monopoles. Plankos hated all of his children but particularly the monopoles, and these he sent to Void (nothingness). Bangos was irritated that her husband had so much hatred for his children, so she asked the bosons to rescue the monopoles but only Higgia agreed to help, and he was successful in overthrowing his father but unsuccessful in bringing back the monopoles.

In any case, Higgia, now ruler of the universe, defined the matter of his constituents by his own terms, and married Gluos, producing six Fermionic children: three sons (Upion, Charmion, and Topon) and three daughters (Downia, Strangia, and Botia). Knowing what deed he performed, Higgia feared that the same will happen to him, so he swallowed his children, Topon first because he knew he would have the most trouble digesting something about his size, then Botia, Strangia, Charmion, Downia, and finally Upion…except, not quite. He figured that since Upion was the tiniest and meekest, he definitely will not pose any problems and thus lazily just threw him into his mouth without checking if he went through his alimentary canal. In fact, Upion, being small and quick as he is, slid out of Higgia’s mouth, and Upion grew up and waged war on Higgia, the epic war of Fermions versus Bosons. Eventually, Higgia lost, and was forced to regurgitate Downia, Charmion, Strangia, Botia, and finally Topon, who upon extricating bursted Higgia into pieces. Upion sent Higgia along with many of the Bosons to a very quantum part of Void, especially most-punished Higgia, who still now can sometimes be seen struggling to return from Void.

Upion, the victor, now divided the universe among his brothers, sisters, and himself: Upion was in charge of all the Fermionic gods, and Downia was his wife. Charmion was the god of charmness, Strangia was the goddess of strangeness, Topon was the god of truth, and Botia was the goddess of beauty.

Meanwhile, four ages of universal existence pass by: first was the golden age, when Higgia ruled, when everything was plentiful and warmth and snugness abounded. Then came the silver age, when the particles became less and less friendly with each other and drifted apart. By the bronze age, the world was cold, and parts of the universe started highly using force, and in the sad age, everything was sad.

In any case, when everything was settled, all the promiscuous Fermions interbred and produced children, all of which had highly radioactive attitudes, except Protonus, a son of Upion and Downia. Protonus was often able to calm his sister Neutronia, and they when together loved constructing, and made massive buildings. Of course, there were the forces (Gravito, Elektros, and Spektros) that even Upion in his boldness was obedient to. By demand of these forces, Upion spared Photos, Gluos, Wees, and Zees, who the forces lovingly protected. Poor Higgia had no patronus and had to stay in quantum Void, a place of misery and torture, until someday maybe Upion will have some sympathy. Upion’s clan, however, stayed in power and continues to rule today.

There are many other stories involving the particles, from wonderful to disgusting to hilarious, but this here is just the story of how the world was created.

The Sexual Relations of Zeus

“For do not men regard Zeus as the best and most righteous of the gods?” —Euthyphro (from Plato’s dialogues)

Well, of all aspects, there is one characteristic that Zeus clearly was best in: lasciviousness. Whether the Greeks also thought it was righteous or not, the sheer volume of sexual activity that Zeus participated in is dazzling. I decided to try to make a list and see how large it would be.

To start off, he married his sisters Demeter and Hera (his only other sister, Hestia, must have not been one of his wives only because she couldn’t marry), his aunt Mnemosyne, his cousin Leto, another of his cousins’ daughter Dione, and yet another of his cousins’ daughter Maia. Close relatives aside, he also married some not-so-related females: Semele, Alcmene, and Io (the granddaughter of two siblings that after marriage produced over three thousand sons and daughters). He also married Themis, Eurynome, Europa, and Metis, the last of which he swallowed after marriage (Metis, while in Zeus’ stomach, gave birth to Athena, who later exited Zeus’ body via his skull). That covers all of his marriages, but he also had other sexual pursuits: for one, he had an affair with his daughter Aphrodite, and some Greek sources say a curse by Hera caused them to give birth to Priapos, a god that was deformed in the shape of a penis. He went after Asteria but was not successful. As a swan, he had an affair with Nemesis, and he also produced one child with Hybris and two children with Selene, as well as an unspecified amount of offspring with the ninth muse Calliope. He accidentally impregnated his grandmother, Gaea, twice (also to note, Zeus’ father Cronos came about when Gaea married her son Uranus). He pursued Persephone twice, once in the world and once in the underworld. He also went after Thetis but dropped the pursuit when it was prophesized that she will give birth to a son greater than whoever the father would be. Zeus also abducted the Naiad Aigina for sexual purposes. Although he married Maia, as listed many lines above, he also had sexual relations with two other Pleides: Electra and Taygete. He also seduced Aix, Deino, Himalia, Hora, Callirhoe, Carme, Othreis, Plouto, Sinope, and Thaleia, as well as an unnamed African Nymph. Gods aside, Zeus also had sexual affairs with 20 mortals, including one male, Ganymede, a prince ofTroy. The other 19 were Lysithea, the Hellenics Pandora, Protogeneia, and Thyia, Antiope of Boeotia, Callisto of Arcadia, Cassiopeia of Crete, Danae of Argos, Dia of Thessalia, Elara of Orkhomenos, Eurymedousa of Phthiotis, Kalyke of Elis, Lamia of Libya, Laodemia of Lykia, Leda of Lakedaimonia, Nioba of Argolis, Olympias of Macedonia, Pyrrha the wife of Deukalion, and Phthia of Aegion. Thus, Zeus had sexual relations with a total of at least 57 others, a number of exceeds the number of Achaean deaths in the Iliad. It is certainly an outstanding achievement by the best and most righteous of the gods.