50 States of Cray

Having to remember what 50 things are like can be a daunting task. Here’s a breakdown of just the important parts of each of the USA’s 50 fine states, in no particular order.

Delaware

WARNING: Consider whether you value the eyesight of your viewers if you decide to draw a map of the US and write entire states’ names inside the states.

NOTICE: This state’s highest point is lower than Colorado’s lowest point.
Really, that just means Colorado is very high.

Delaware is special as the first state to ratify the Constitution of the United States, and thus the first state in the Union. This fact is special as the only thing people generally know about Delaware.

Very much about Delaware revolves around how small it is: it has the least counties of any state of the US (excepting the ones that don’t care for counties), the interstate system barely enters it, and its hottest and coldest recorded temperatures occurred in the same town. Its border with Pennsylvania consists of the only US state border defined as a circle arc. How cute.

Pennsylvania

NOTICE: This state is a “Commonwealth”, whatever that means.

WARNING: This state once elected an anal sex byproduct as senator.

NOTICE: This state’s highest point is lower than Colorado’s lowest point.
Really, that just means Colorado is very high.

NOTICE: This state has places in it named Stalker and Intercourse.
They’re fairly near each other.

NOTICE: This state has cities near each other named Lancaster and York.
Ha. Hahahaha. Haha. Ha.

FUN FACT: The last person to get executed in this state for a non-homicidal crime was executed for sodomy. 

NOTICE: This state contains the entirety of a particular interstate highway.
Dammit, don’t you understand how to share?

Pennsylvania was founded by the Quaker William Penn, and also named after him. It is home to Philadelphia, the first capital of the United States and to this day one of the largest cities in the nation. Due substantially to the influence of the beliefs of Quakers, Pennsylvania was very early on an opposer of slavery, although only just north of the Mason-Dixon Line. It was also pretty much as far north as the South managed to get in the Civil War.

Pennsylvania is well known as a home of the Amish, a group of people dedicated to pretending the human race has not progressed anywhere in the past 300 years.

In the heart of Pennsylvania is I-99, an interstate highway that exists west of I-95, because 99 is less than 95.

New Jersey

WARNING: Consider whether you value the eyesight of your viewers if you decide to draw a map of the US and write entire states’ names inside the states.

NOTICE: This state’s highest point is lower than Colorado’s lowest point.
Really, that just means Colorado is very high.

NOTICE ADDENDUM: The highest point of this state is literally called “High Point”.

New Yorkers often make fun of New Jersey as New York’s armpit, but let’s cut them some slack, shall we? New Jersey achieves quite a lot, from the highest population density of any state of the US, to outlawing self-service gasoline, to having an inexplicable break in I-95, to…I’m not doing a very good job of coming up with necessarily positive things, am I?

Georgia

WARNING: This state is the worst state.

WARNING: This state celebrates Robert E. Lee Day.

WARNING: This section contains material on Georgia. Georgia is a theory, not a fact, regarding the origin of terrible things. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully, and critically considered.

Approved by
Cobb County Board of Education
Thursday, March 28, 2002

NOTICE: This state contains the entirety of a particular interstate highway.
Dammit, don’t you understand how to share?

Georgia is the state of palindromes, because the majority of King Georges have had Roman numerals that are spelled the same forwards and backwards.

There is both a Rome, Georgia and an Athens, Georgia. These names, along with the name ‘Georgia’, are a surreptitious plot to cause the public to think this place is more vintage than it actually is. However old the state really is, a blossomy peachy newness rapidly radiating outward from Atlanta will eventually take over the entire state.

Georgia was the second-to-last state to keep a Confederate flag in its state flag. Unlike the last state, it has actually bothered to remove it by now. Good job, Georgia.

Connecticut

WARNING: Consider whether you value the eyesight of your viewers if you decide to draw a map of the US and write entire states’ names inside the states.

NOTICE: This state’s highest point is lower than Colorado’s lowest point.
Really, that just means Colorado is very high.

Connecticut was named after the idea of paradoxical enlightenment, that is, the realization that by achieving something, one has managed to at a deeper level achieve the opposite: “While I connect, I cut.”

Connecticut is home to Yale University, whose motto is “Lux et Veritas”, or, in English, “Light and Harvard”. Yale is a University with a rivalry with Harvard that Harvard actually cares about.

Massachusetts

WARNING: Consider whether you value the eyesight of your viewers if you decide to draw a map of the US and write entire states’ names inside the states.

NOTICE: This state is a “Commonwealth”, whatever that means.

NOTICE: Ylvis likes this state.

WARNING: Don’t actually try to park your car in Harvard Yard. You’ll get a parking ticket.
It’s not yet established whether you’d get a pahking ticket for pahking a cah, though.

Most of the population of this state is concentrated in Boston and its suburbs, especially in Norfolk and Suffolk counties. Logically, Norfolk County is in the south and Suffolk County is in the north of the Boston area. These areas are serviced by the MBTA (Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority), not to be confused with New York’s MTA, which serves a similar function: it’s important to not think that the MBTA may be competent.

Notice how even though this state’s name is very long, it has no ‘r’s. If it had any, no one in this area will know how to pronounce it. Weird things happen to the letter r here.

Massachusetts is the only state to have not voted for Nixon during the election leading to his second term.

Massachusetts was the first state to recognize marriages between homosexual couples.

Maryland

NOTICE: This state contains the entirety of a particular interstate highway.
Dammit, don’t you understand how to share?

Donald Trump once planned to build a wall around each of Maryland’s congressional districts. Unfortunately, the mighty Donald Trump was unable to generate enough wall to accomplish this feat, and thus settled for just covering the Mexican border instead.

Maryland’s largest city, Baltimore, not to be confused with Voldemort, has one of the highest crime rates out of cities in the US. It also has a Washington Monument, just like another crime-ridden city a little further south. Coincidence?

South Carolina

NOTICE: This state was the first state to secede from the Union.

FUN FACT: The last person to get executed in this state for a non-homicidal crime was executed for aiding a runaway slave.

NOTICE: This state decided that it was too cool to have a minimum wage.

This was where the actual first shots of the Civil War were fired, a few months after South Carolina seceded from the Union and when only Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, and Texas have joined South Carolina in the Confederacy.

South Carolina boasts being home for John C. Calhoun, who took defending slavery a step further by asserting that it was good, not just a necessary evil. To this day, many things in South Carolina are named after this man for his ideas.

There are some really beautiful forested areas in South Carolina. Many of these are also areas where pretty much every type of natural disaster is possible.

New Hampshire

WARNING: Consider whether you value the eyesight of your viewers if you decide to draw a map of the US and write entire states’ names inside the states.

New Hampshire’s motto is “Live Free or Die”, and from its beginnings has been unwaveringly patriotic to the American ideal of liberty. Atop its highest point, Mount Washington, winds blow as unfettered as winds can blow.

New Hampshire is mostly a beautiful wilderness, dotted occasionally with tiny population centers. Randomly in the middle of the state, there’s a toll station that collects $1 for you to pass on I-93. Perhaps not everything can be all that free.

Virginia

NOTICE: This state is a “Commonwealth”, whatever that means.

When this state seceded from the Union, Abraham Lincoln could see the enemy from his house. Cozy.

This state has the highest president count out of the states of the United States. Most of them owned slaves.

People who draw maps of the US often forget that there exists a little bit of Virginia east of the Chesapeake Bay.

Virginia’s highest point is Mount Rogers, named after the founder of MIT, William Barton Rogers.

New York

NOTICE: More than half the population of this state lives on islands.
That’s intense.

New York is home to the United States’ largest city, also called New York. To disambiguate, some people call the latter “New York City”, or, to abbreviate, “NYC”. You should check out what “NYC” comes out as in Webdings and in Wingdings.

New York (the city) is like pot, in that the entity itself is not objectionable at all, but its fans can get seriously annoying. Also, it smells horrid. Also, New York is a melting pot.

One of the features of New York (the city) is two really tall towers of about the same height called…oh wait, those fell down? Right, the twin towers were attacked by Al Qaeda using hijacked airplanes, in the deadliest act of terrorism in history, in which both towers burned down. In response, the land the of the brave constructed a new tower at the location of the late ones, even easier to target with an airplane standing at 1776 feet of stature. The “1776 feet” of height symbolizes how no matter how much hostile foreign adversity this country faces, it will continue to stand strong against the metric system.

Nearby is Wall Street, home of Financial Santas. Financial Santas are like Christmas Santas, except instead of secretly giving you presents, they secretly give you trickle-down economics, or in layman’s terms, secretly fucking you in the financial ass. Both, however, tend to be very white. The street was originally called “Wall Street” because it was named after a wall built to keep Native Americans out of land stolen from Native Americans, but America has since decided that that’s not okay and to settle for it instead being named after a metaphorical wall keeping the 99% out of nice things. When one wishes to disparage Native Americans in modern day America, one must resort to naming a sports team after an ethnic slur for them.

Part of New York (again, the city) lies on an island called Staten Island. If you look at Staten Island on a map and think “wait, that’s part of New York and not New Jersey?”, you are probably saner than the people who decided that Staten Island was part of New York at all.

The state of New York has several other large population centers, including Buffalo, Rochester, and Syracuse. They are excellent places in which to practice shovelling snow.

The middle portion of New York features the Finger Lakes, which look like someone once clawed New York in a fit of ferality. Turns out this someone is the savage natural force of ice. A couple of the Finger Lakes are deeper than Lake Erie.

New York is the birthplace of Arizona Iced Tea.

North Carolina

North Carolina is a booming state, home to rapidly growing cities like Charlotte and Raleigh, the Research Triangle, and extremely creative gerrymandering.

Off the coast of North Carolina are a few narrow islands sometimes referred to as the “Outer Banks”. They’re for people who like to live on the edge, that is, of hurricane danger.

North Carolina contains Mount Mitchell, the highest point in the United States east of the Mississippi River.

Rhode Island

WARNING: Consider whether you value the eyesight of your viewers if you decide to draw a map of the US and write entire states’ names inside the states.

NOTICE: This state’s highest point is lower than Colorado’s lowest point.
Really, that just means Colorado is very high.

The actual full name of this state is “Rhode Island and Providence Plantations”. It was additionally proposed that the name be long enough to stretch across the state.

You probably wonder which island’s Rhode. It’s in Greece.

Vermont

WARNING: Consider whether you value the eyesight of your viewers if you decide to draw a map of the US and write entire states’ names inside the states.

Taking the approximate shape of New Hampshire rotated half a circle, Vermont is a state of very few people and very much nature. Ranking 49th among the states in population, its largest city, Burlington, is home to barely over 40000 people, and its state capital, Montpelier, is the least populous state capital out of those of all fifty states.

It is the first state outside the original thirteen colonies to be admitted to the Union.

Kentucky

NOTICE: This state is a “Commonwealth”, whatever that means.

WARNING: Evolution doesn’t happen here.
Ergo, the people here are lizard people. Watch the fuck out.

There are two large cities in Kentucky, Louisville and Lexington. They have quite a rivalry.

This state has the highest number of smokers per capita of any state of the US. Its life expectancy still manages to be not last, because Mississippi.

Tennessee

WARNING: The KKK was founded here.

WARNING: Evolution doesn’t happen here.
Ergo, the people here are lizard people. Watch the fuck out.

FUN FACT: Every single vowel in this state’s name is the same vowel.

NOTICE: This state decided that it was too cool to have a minimum wage.

Like Kentucky, this state has a lot of smokers. Where do you think the Great Smoky Mountains came from?

Tennessee once got into a rather interesting border dispute with Georgia.

Ohio

WARNING: Frank Gehry designed this state’s flag. Also, there are no peacocks on this state’s flag.

NOTICE: This state’s highest point is lower than Colorado’s lowest point.
Really, that just means Colorado is very high.

Ohio is home to the three big C-cities Cleveland, Columbus, and Cincinnati. One of these is named after an insane xenophobe and the other two are rapidly rusting. Cleveland is not Detroit.

Like Virginia, Ohio is home to a heck of a lot of US presidents, ones for which owning slaves wasn’t actually that much a thing.

Louisiana

WARNING: This state uses parishes, because they’re too French and/or fancy for counties.

NOTICE: This state’s highest point is lower than Colorado’s lowest point.
Really, that just means Colorado is very high.

NOTICE: This state decided that it was too cool to have a minimum wage.

NOTICE: This state contains the entirety of a particular interstate highway.
Dammit, don’t you understand how to share?

Louisiana shares its name with a purchase made by the United States’ third president, Thomas Jefferson, which doubled the country’s size at the time. At that time, most Whites (or in then-America terms, “people”) in the region lived in Louisiana.

Louisiana’s largest city, New Orleans, is at an elevation under sea level. Thus, it depends on levees to not cause the city to flood. Fortunately, these levees are very well maintained, such that they can even withstand monstrous storms.

Indiana

NOTICE: This state’s highest point is lower than Colorado’s lowest point.
Really, that just means Colorado is very high.

America was reasonable enough to give most its states names used by its Native Americans, and decided in addition that one should be just named after them too! This one was named after its favorite Native American, Jones.

Indiana’s capital is named Indianapolis. All roads lead to Indianapolis. Except the ones that lead to Chicago.

Mississippi

WARNING: This state is the actual worst state.
Told you the section on Georgia should be critically considered.

WARNING: This state’s state flag literally has the Confederate flag on it.

NOTICE: This state’s highest point is lower than Colorado’s lowest point.
Really, that just means Colorado is very high.

FUN FACT: Every single vowel in this state’s name is the same vowel.

HURR DURR: Two years ago, Mississippi abolished slavery.
To give you an idea how late this is, the previous year the US Congress apologized for the Chinese Exclusion Act and the Mayans predicted the world ended.

NOTICE: This state decided that it was too cool to have a minimum wage.

HURR DURR: I think that’s enough italicized blocks for this state that we don’t even need a main body for this state’s section.

Illinois

NOTICE: This state’s highest point is lower than Colorado’s lowest point.
Really, that just means Colorado is very high.

NOTICE: The plural of “Illinois” is “Illinoare”.

More than half of Illinois lives in Chicago or one of its suburbs.

Illinois can boast a hefty share of America’s progress in the advancement of minorities. Abraham Lincoln, freer of the slaves, lived a substantial portion of his life there, hence the nickname “Land of Lincoln”. A sesquicentury later, hailing from Chicago was America’s first African-American president, Barack Obama, terminating the 42-streak of White presidents, and upping the streak of Christian presidents, male presidents, and straight presidents to 43. Eh, good enough.

Illinois is home to Northwestern University, one of the northwesternmost places in the United States.

Alabama

WARNING: This state is literally Texas.
Except for the part where it’s actually Alabama.

NOTICE: This state’s highest point is lower than Colorado’s lowest point.
Really, that just means Colorado is very high.

NOTICE: This state decided that it was too cool to have a minimum wage.

WARNING: In the 1964 US Presidential election, in which Barry Goldwater opposed the Civil Rights Act, Alabama decided to simply not have Lyndon B. Johnson, who supported the act, on the ballot.
It still managed to have a smaller percentage vote for Goldwater than in Mississippi.

WARNING: Do not confuse this state with Al Obama, the Islamist socialist gun-stealing terrorist conspiracy.

FUN FACT: Every single vowel in this state’s name is the same vowel.

People here sometimes say “Thank God for Mississippi”, often referring to the fact that there’s many positive traits for which Alabama ranks 49th in the US, and for which there is a necessity to thank the reason why Alabama is near dead last for the reason Alabama is not dead last.

The state sport of Alabama is erecting monuments of the Ten Commandments. People here take comfort in the existence of written reinforcement of the idea that they shouldn’t kill each other.

Alabama’s largest city is Birmingham, famous for bombings of African-American centers and an abortion clinic shooting.

Maine

NOTICE: If you decide to adopt a US-states naming scheme for a set of streets in your city, you might get some confused people.

Maine is one of two US states in which the largest city is named “Portland”.

Acadia National Park is situated off the coast of eastern Maine. If you live in New England, this is the one National Park you can go to without travelling very far.

Missouri

WARNING: This state is a missourable place.

NOTICE: This state’s highest point is lower than Colorado’s lowest point.
Really, that just means Colorado is very high.

This state only became a state because the South got bitter that the North got a new state.

This state’s largest city is named after another state. This wasn’t always the case. St. Louis was once substantially larger than it is now.

Missouri is home to America’s largest Springfield, which overtook Massachusetts’ Springfield in population only a few years ago.

Arkansas

NOTICE: This state’s highest point is lower than Colorado’s lowest point.
Really, that just means Colorado is very high.

FUN FACT: Every single vowel in this state’s name is the same vowel.

Just a plain, compactly shaped state with a capital in the middle and some gentle hills.

Boring enough to redraw its flag to something just slightly different three times.

Michigan

NOTICE: This state’s highest point is lower than Colorado’s lowest point.
Really, that just means Colorado is very high.

NOTICE: This state contains the entirety of a particular interstate highway.
Dammit, don’t you understand how to share?

“Michigan” comes from Ojibwa for “large lake” and indeed embraces the heart of the Great Lakes. Nearly all of the population of Michigan resides in the “lower peninsula” (the southern portion of Michigan, between lakes Huron and Michigan (“Lake Large Lake”)).

Michigan is home to Detroit, the only city in America to have risen above a million in population (peaking at about 1.9 million) and later decline back below a million (currently with less than 700000 people). Detroit is a hub of manufacturing cars, an example of a tool that facilitates the leaving of Detroit. (The cars eventually evolved artificial intelligence, and the self-driving mutants drove to Japan. The people chased the cars to Japan.)

Michigan has a substantial share of interesting place names, including Gaylord, Nirvana, Paradise, and Hell. In particular, Hell is several hundred miles south of Paradise. Also, Hell freezes over every winter.

Isle Royale is actually part of Michigan, despite being closer to both Minnesota and Canada.

Michigan was the first state to abolish the death penalty.

Florida

NOTICE: This state’s highest point is lower than Colorado’s lowest point.
Really, that just means Colorado is very high.

WARNING: This state is literally Texas.
Except for the part where it’s actually Florida.

WARNING: This state celebrates Robert E. Lee Day.

WARNING: This state is phallically shaped.

NOTICE: This state contains the entirety of a particular interstate highway.
Dammit, don’t you understand how to share?

The land where dreams come true.

Texas

WARNING: This state is literally Texas.
Like, literally literally.

WARNING: This state celebrates Confederate Heroes Day.

NOTICE: This state contains the entirety of FOUR interstate highways.
Even this is bigger in Texas. 

Texas is home to the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Density, regularly fought between stars like Joe Barton, Louie Gohmert, and Ted Cruz. Arguments presented in the Showdown include that climate change is not caused by humans because the biblical flood was created by God and that oil pipelines cause reindeer to want to have sex.

But hey, sometimes things that are cheesy on the outside have an inner layer (Austin) that’s actually quite nice. And sometimes there’s a third, even deeper layer, that’s just like the first layer (Rick Perry).

Texas contains a Colorado River that is different from the Colorado River people usually think of. This one actually reaches the ocean before humans use all of its flow up.

There are a total of 254 counties here. Many of them are just squares. Some of the squares barely have any people.

Iowa

NOTICE: This state’s highest point is lower than Colorado’s lowest point.
Really, that just means Colorado is very high.

Most Americans know the state of Iowa for spiking in news mentions every four years. That’s when in addition to growing corn, hopefuls for the next presidential election talk to people about how they will be less screwed in a country where they’re president than in a country where the others become president.

The state’s name means “sleepy people”. The drowsiness is induced by the speeches of these presidential candidates.

Wisconsin

NOTICE: This state’s highest point is lower than Colorado’s lowest point.
Really, that just means Colorado is very high.

Drinking fountains here are called bubblers. They also dispense spirits rather than water.

One of Wisconsin’s cities, Green Bay, is at the tip of a bay called Green Bay. Go figure. When in the city, you refer to the bay as the “Bay of Green Bay”. This area saw the Peshtigo Fire, the deadliest fire in American history, often not remembered because the Great Chicago Fire happened on the same day.

This state has as many counties as terrorists are promised virgins when they die.

California

WARNING: This state is known to the State of California to cause cancer.

California is the United States’ third largest state by area, first largest by population, and fiftieth largest by governmental efficiency. One of the great products of this state’s government is warnings you find nearly everywhere about how you’ll get cancer soon.

WARNING: Warnings are known to the State of California to cause cancer.

Needless to say, one has to wonder exactly what type of cancer the lawyer that caused this to happen got to feel the need to inflict such fear-mongering on dozens of millions of people.

WARNING: Cancer is known to the State of California to cause cancer.

In any case, cancer aside, California is well known for its singular level of advancement in many fields from entertainment to agriculture to technological innovation.

WARNING: Cancer is known to the State of California to cause technological progress. Everything here causes cancer. Ergo, technological progress.

Soon, though, there may not be enough water here to sustain agriculture, unless technological progress here reaches the point that Elon Musk’s hypertube is constructed and able to efficiently transport water from states north of California with too much water to drought-ridden California.

California is home to Los Angeles County, the American county of greatest human population by a landslide. Containing over 10 million people (and about 10 million cars engaging in live-action parking lot roleplay), Los Angeles County alone has a greater population than 41 out of the 50 states (or the 10 least populous states combined).

California is also home to the city of Emeryville, a tiny pocket of coast between Oakland and Berkeley, which mandates an impressively high minimum wage of $14.44/hr in all businesses of at least 56 employees.

Minnesota

NOTICE: Mercury’s freezing point is -39°. You don’t even need to know whether that’s Fahrenheit or Celsius, because down there it’s so cold those two are pretty much the same.

NOTICE: This state’s highest point is lower than Colorado’s lowest point.
Really, that just means Colorado is very high.

If you like to have choices in attaining frostbite, there are thousands of lakes here to choose from to dip your toes into. Unlike minestrone, Minnesota is not a hot, hearty soup.

Minnesota is home to International Falls, the Minnesota of Minnesota, averaging 109 days per year with a high below freezing. It is very close to Canada, which is very international by American standards.

In the otherwise smooth border between the US and Canada, there is a little pocket in northwestern Minnesota. It is there because of a mistake the border looked too boring without it.

Minnesota really prides itself in being better than Wisconsin. You know, that place actually comparably cold but still not nearly as cold as Minnesota.

Oregon

WARNING: Dying from dysentery sucks.

Oregon is one of two US states in which the largest city is named “Portland”.

Much of Oregon staddles the Cascades, a chain of volcanic mountains created from the subduction of the Juan de Fuca Plate. Three centuries ago, a magnificent quake occurred here that really, really scared the Native Americans of the area.

Nearly all of the population of Oregon resides to the west of this mountain chain.

A certain pocket in eastern Oregon is in Mountain Time. Why? Don’t ask me.

Kansas

WARNING: This state is bloody. Was? Was bloody.

NOTICE: This state might try to make you think it’s not missourable.

HURR DURR: Kansas Law specifies that if two trains meet at a junction, each train must wait until the other has passed to proceed.

NOTICE: For fun, you should pronounce this state’s name “KAN-SAW”.

FUN FACT: Every single vowel in this state’s name is the same vowel.

Kansas’s capital city, Google, I mean Topeka, is well known for the Supreme Court Case Brown v. Board of Education, where the US Supreme Court unanimously struck down Plessy v. Ferguson-prescribed segregation.

Its Kansas City is smaller than Missouri’s Kansas City. What a shame.

Kansas is literally flatter than a pancake.

West Virginia

NOTICE: “East Virginia” is just “Virginia”.

West Virginia’s big thing was coal. Then coal became not a big thing. Then West Virginia became even less of a big thing than it was.

West Virginia was a portion of Virginia that decided to secede away from it and re-enter the Union after Virginia seceded from the Union.

West Virginia has one of the slimmest panhandles ever, jutting between Ohio and Pennsylvania. Very sadly, this is one of the few places in West Virginia where there’s still a substantial amount of population. Some cities here span the entire panhandle.

Nevada

WARNING: We have a badass state over here. Nevada is battle born, mothafucka.

NOTICE: Prostitution is legal in this state.

Nevada consists of desert, desert, desert, desert, desert, desert, desert, desert, desert, desert, desert, and Las Vegas. When it became a state, only northern portions of modern-day Nevada were officially part of the state, but Las Vegas was added later so that the state could have things other than desert.

You might not be able to believe that there could be that much desert in a state. You kind of actually have to be there to believe it’s that barren.

In every US presidential election since Nevada became a state, whoever Nevada voted for in the general election won.

Nebraska

WARNING: This state is fucking boring.

…did you expect there to be something to talk about here?

Wyoming

NOTICE: You probably don’t want to think about what things there’s more of than humans here.

Wyoming is the least populous of the 50 states, and has no cities with even 100000 people. For comparison, if a city of 100000 people suddenly materialized in California, it would rank 67th in population there. It’s so sparsely populated the state has a single-digit number of escalators.

Most of Yellowstone National Park, the first designated national park in the United States, lies in Wyoming. The park centers around a really giant killer volcano. Do not anger this volcano.

Wyoming was the first state to grant women the right to vote, which it passed before it even became a state. Thus, Wyoming has contributed to nice things, but it also brought us Dick Cheney, so that cancels out.

North Dakota

This state gained statehood on the same day as another state.

Once, there was a state with barely anything.

And then, there was a state with barely anything.

Later, the state still bad barely anything.

A long time after, the state still had barely anything.

Afterwards, the state …OIL OIL OIL OIL OIL OIL FRACKING FRACKING FRACKING FUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

South Dakota

WARNING: One of this state’s largest cities has a name containing “Falls”.
Falling is likely to be a bad idea and you could break your neck.

This state gained statehood on the same day as another state.

There is slightly more going on in this state than in the other Dakota.

There is a sculpture of four presidents of the United States in this state.

Montana

WARNING: One of this state’s largest cities has a name containing “Falls”.
Falling is likely to be a bad idea and you could break your neck.  

This state is northerly, mountainous, and cold.

It is the westernmost state entirely east of the continental divide. The Missouri River begins here.

Montana borders three different Canadian provinces.

Washington

WARNING: This state’s flag contains a lot of green. Green is neither red, white, nor blue. Thus, this state may be Un-American. Report any suspicious activities.
Like seriously, though. The state’s named after a president who didn’t even live in the White House.

Washington’s capital, Olympia, is its largest city after Seattle, Spokane, Tacoma, Vancouver, Bellevue, Kent, Everett, Renton, Federal Way, Yakima, Spokane Valley, Kirkland, Bellingham, Kennewick, Auburn, Pasco, Marysville, Lakewood, Redmond, Shoreline, Richland, Sammamish, and Burien.

Yes, that Kirkland’s the one the things you buy from Costco reference.

Washington is home to Microsoft, a world-renowned manufacturer of blue screens. When large enough, these screens can be used as tarps to shield inhabitants inside them from malaria-carrying mosquitoes.

Washington is also home to Amazon, named for the fact that its home is the non-Hawaii US state with rainfall most comparable to that of the Amazon.

Washington has the highest statewide minimum wage of any state of the US.

Idaho

NOTICE: One of this state’s largest cities has a name containing “Falls”.
Falling is likely to be a bad idea and you could break your neck.

This state is so wacky no one really knows where its name came from.

The state has plenty of potatoes. And gun lovers. It’s only a matter of time before the potato gun lovers start coming. As far as anyone knows, marriage in Idaho is not yet defined between a potato and a gun.

Colorado

WARNING: There’s some very high places in this state.
Don’t fall and break your neck.

Actually, though, if you were looking to get high, this is the place to go.

Colorado’s capital and largest city, Denver, is the largest city for a long distance in many different directions. Its airport became fuel for paranoia from conspiracy theorists because its runways “looked like a swastika”.

Colorado is well known for its many mass shootings. The possibly most well-known of these, Columbine, happened on April 20, just like the birth of Hitler and the BP Oil Spill 11 years later. Coincidence?

Utah

There is a huge portion of western Utah that is just a giant mass of white. It’s just huge amounts of salt.

Many streets in Utah have numerical designations rather than names, because Utah grew up during a time when this sort of efficiency was that valued.

Utah is the birthplace of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Oklahoma

Oklahoma is a land of tornadoes, creationists, and tornadoes.

Oklahoma was the destination of the Trail of Tears, one of the shining symbols in the history of the United States, reflecting America’s core values of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness for White people.

New Mexico

NOTICE: This state is substantially newer than the other New states. It’s still seriously not new anymore. 

There are large swaths of this state that just have no people in it, as if an atomic bomb has been dropped there and wiped out all life in the region. It’s okay, these large swaths are not nearly as large as Nevada’s.

New Mexico is home to Truth or Consequences, a town formerly called Hot Springs that renamed itself so that the show would move there. It also has a town called Las Vegas.

New Mexico’s capital, Santa Fe, is the highest capital city in the United States. Within city limits, the minimum wage is $10.84/hr, one of the highest in the entire US.

Arizona

NOTICE: This state contains the entirety of TWO interstate highways.
And it’s not even Texas.

These days, Arizona is a rapidly rising state, one of the brightest-shining parts of the Sun Belt. Speaking of sun, much of this state is so hot so often that this state relinquished Daylight Savings Time so that it would instead have Air Conditioning Costs Savings Time. The Navajo Reservation does recognize Daylight Savings Time because they feel like it. The Hopi Reservation does not because they hate the Navajo.

Arizona’s I-19 has kilometerposts instead of mileposts, because it was built at a time when America looked like it might convert to the metric system. It’s soon going to get them replaced with mileposts again, because America is actually that hopeless.

Alaska

WARNING: This state is literally Texas.
Except for the part where things here are larger than in Texas.

WARNING: This state doesn’t use counties.
It’s fucking Alaska.

FUN FACT: Every single vowel in this state’s name is the same vowel.

HURR DURR: There’s actually somewhere in Alaska you can go to be able to see Russia.
Not in the continental part, though.

The largest state of the 50, Alaska has more land area than the smallest 22 states combined (all states North Carolina and smaller). Despite this size, its Arctic location makes it home to less than a million people. For comparison, Rhode Island has more than a million people. The vast majority of Alaskans live in the most southern regions of the state, where it is only really cold and not really, really cold. If you want to get really, really cold and also display excessive amounts of badassness and/or frostbite, one of your options is to participate in the Iditarod.

Alaska Highway 11, the Dalton Highway, is a scarily desolate long road. You really, really, really don’t want your car to break down while you’re in the middle of it. (Here’s hoping you’re not walking.) Its northern terminus is at a town called Deadhorse.

It also has a town called North Pole. It’s an impostor. Not even of the magnetic variety.

Alaska boasts eight of the United States’ national parks, including Wrangell-St. Elias, the largest by area, and Gates of the Arctic, the lowest in number of visitors.

Alaska has islands west of the 180° longitude line, so it technically has the United States’ easternmost point.

Hawaii

NOTICE: This state, unlike Rhode Island, consists entirely of islands.

WARNING: This state’s flag contains the Union Jack. It may be Un-American.

NOTICE: More than half the population of this state lives on islands.
In case you didn’t notice yet.

NOTICE: This state contains the entirety of a particular interstate highway.
Dammit, is it that hard to build a bridge to California? 

Hawaii, the portion of the States south of the Tropic of Cancer, is on this planet thanks to a very energetic hotspot lying under the rapidly moving Pacific plate. The record low and high temperatures in Honolulu, its capital, are only 43 Fahrenheit degrees (24 Celsius degrees) apart.

Despite having several islands, the majority of Hawaii’s population resides on Oahu, where Honolulu is.

One of Hawaii’s five counties, Kalawao County, was founded as a colony of exiled people suffering from leprosy.

Also, even though there are only about eight islands generally recognized as Hawaii, there is a whole chain of tiny islands stretching northwest of these islands that are all part of Hawaii. They all share the same time zone as Hawaii no matter how far west they go. Except for Midway. Because exceptions are fun.

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